Hello world. I have been reading Pema Chodron over 4 years and dabbled in sitting meditation yet was so busy in my head that I struggled with it. I remember when I understood the concept of groundlessness (though I didn't like that at all) and when she said there was no mommy, daddy or babysitter, I was pissed.
I was on my own truly for the first time in my life and I was scared for many reasons. The last few months have been wobbly and I knew I had to develop my own treatment plan and commit. So I found a Zen Meditation Center in Oak Park where I live and have attended 4 courses there. I do sitting meditation almost every day for 20 minutes. That is hard. I sent out intentions to myself, my loved ones and my enemies at the end of my time with myself.
Earlier today, I found a very damning note that my ex-husband left in a book he forgot about and I contacted him threatening to send it to his first wife and his family. I thought about that more and I am working on doing no harm and I realized I was doing me and him harm. I threw the book and notes away. I am sorry as I still think he is a total dick and I do the Happy Dance as he lost his job in Chicago and finally moved back home to Alabama. I have my city back and it makes me happy.
Here is one of the ways I deal with uncomfortable feelings: I feel uneasy, perhaps sad or angry and the next thing I know I am being very critical of someone I barely know, get all pompous, decide that I am right and if I had a dog around, I would surely kick it though I love dogs. Just know it is a metaphor.
This week when criticism or judgment came up, I said "Stop, OK what is really going on here?" I am not used to feeling my feelings let alone leaning into them. And I realized there was shame at the bottom so I had a good cry and took a short pity party for myself. This is how I can take Zen into my real life rather than just look like I am sitting there in trance (no trances in sitting meditation, eyes open as this is all about being awake instead of being asleep, a normal past time of mine.
I just found out that Marsha Lenihan who developed DBT or Dialectical Behavior Therapy is a Zen roshi herself so that is how all that lovely mindfulness got into DBT. Go, Marsha.
Peace out. Love you all. Jacquw
I was on my own truly for the first time in my life and I was scared for many reasons. The last few months have been wobbly and I knew I had to develop my own treatment plan and commit. So I found a Zen Meditation Center in Oak Park where I live and have attended 4 courses there. I do sitting meditation almost every day for 20 minutes. That is hard. I sent out intentions to myself, my loved ones and my enemies at the end of my time with myself.
Earlier today, I found a very damning note that my ex-husband left in a book he forgot about and I contacted him threatening to send it to his first wife and his family. I thought about that more and I am working on doing no harm and I realized I was doing me and him harm. I threw the book and notes away. I am sorry as I still think he is a total dick and I do the Happy Dance as he lost his job in Chicago and finally moved back home to Alabama. I have my city back and it makes me happy.
Here is one of the ways I deal with uncomfortable feelings: I feel uneasy, perhaps sad or angry and the next thing I know I am being very critical of someone I barely know, get all pompous, decide that I am right and if I had a dog around, I would surely kick it though I love dogs. Just know it is a metaphor.
This week when criticism or judgment came up, I said "Stop, OK what is really going on here?" I am not used to feeling my feelings let alone leaning into them. And I realized there was shame at the bottom so I had a good cry and took a short pity party for myself. This is how I can take Zen into my real life rather than just look like I am sitting there in trance (no trances in sitting meditation, eyes open as this is all about being awake instead of being asleep, a normal past time of mine.
I just found out that Marsha Lenihan who developed DBT or Dialectical Behavior Therapy is a Zen roshi herself so that is how all that lovely mindfulness got into DBT. Go, Marsha.
Peace out. Love you all. Jacquw
