I had a burrito day yesterday

Yep, I was a burrito all day.  I slept most of the day, waking up to read or watch PBS.  Caught a second wind around 7 pm but never got out of my jammies all day.

I was not feeling very depressed and in fact, I was not feeling much of anything other than lonely.  Although my depression and suicidality has left me single, I get lonely often.  I have gotten much better at keeping busy, doing things I like to do and I am able to enjoy the pleasures of being single.

I saw a Facebook video last week and I swear my ex-husband was in it.  I thought about him quite a bit even though I know we were toxic together. I miss how close I felt to him.  I may even still love parts of him.  But the guy he ended up being was not the guy I married.  That was scary for me to see him change so abruptly and he would not let me have contact with him for several years after that.  Every once in a great while, his carrot would come out as a text reaching out to me.  I knew I would never get better from being suicidal until we had no contact.  We have had no contact for over 3 years.  I am much better as a result of that.

Seeing him on that video made me wonder:  Is he remarried?  Does he have a girlfriend?  I texted him these questions last night and he did not respond.  He never does.

This leaves me wondering what, if anything, I want to do about getting myself a boyfriend.  The idea of dating scares the shit out of me, I feel like no one would want to be with me and yet all I do is hang around my gay men friends and my women friends so I will surely not meet anyone that way.

Do I want to be part of a couple?  I think I do.  I think being part of a couple is in my DNA.  I have been alone for 8 years now.  I began mastering it just about a year ago.  It takes time and a great deal of work.  I have to reach out in order to make things happen.  I get tired of doing that, yet the consequence is being alone even more.  I would rather be less alone than more alone.  I do everything by myself.  Everything.

I am afraid of getting hurt like that again.  My divorce broke my heart and my spirit.  Most of my suicide attempts were because of the split from my husband.  I was in denial for a few years as I kept thinking (dreaming) that we would get back together.

I feel courageous having gone through all this.  Being alone has forced me to be braver than I wanted to be.  And though I don't have burrito days very often, I am glad when I wake up the next morning knowing that it won't be a burrito day.  I used to have burrito day after burrito day for years so this is progress.  I don't get worried when I have burrito days now.  I could feel this one coming on so I just surrendered to it and hung out with it all day.  I didn't tell myself I shouldn't be being a burrito.  I just burritoed on all day.

I just never imagined I would end up alone and yet here I am.  I used to hate it and now, I am not sure what I think of it.

Hello universe,

Someone in our support group on Facebook group commented on the Not Helpful comments she gets from folks, especially religious overtones.  I have had more than my fair share of being called a sinner and loser.

A good way to combat this is to write down what you would like to hear from people on a piece of paper, make copies and hand them out.  You can even explain why the other "helpful" comments are not helpful.  There were times when what folks said to me increased my suicidality and led to more attempts.

I have talk about this problem with many suicidal folks and we like the following statements:

How can I support you best?
I will be right over.
I still need you here.

There are probably others but these are my personal three favorites.

What are yours?


 https://www.facebook.com/groups/1539849306274449/?ref=bookmarks

To be right or to be happy?

Because of my ego, I have a strong desire to be right.  All the time.  Don't mess with me.  I am right and I know it.  Right, right, right.  And all the time because I am so damn smart.  And if you don't agree with me and my rightness, that is your problem, and not mine.

Hey!  Where did all my friends go?

This is the price I pay for being right and digging my heels in.  I have huge resentments in which I know that I am absolutely right about whatever the issue is and when this happens, my serenity is shot. Gone.

There is that saying, "The older I get, the less I know."  I find this to be true but it greatly interfered with my need to be right.  I also have found that I am not as likeable as I thought I was and this was shocking to me when I first figured it out a couple of years ago. 

What is this?  I am not right and not everyone likes me?  Whoa.  Time to look at my arrogance and ego.  I hate doing that.  I hate reality sometimes but if I want to be happy, I must live in reality.  I heard at a meeting "I am an immigrant to reality" and I was stunned by the truth and power of that for myself.

I am pretty darn happy right now so being right is not high on my priority list.  I still have resentments toward some folks who rejected me while I was depressed and suicidal but I also understand that I was impossible to be around.  It is hard for most folks to understand that anger and rage come with depression and suicidality.  Folks are used to thinking it as the person who is very sad and acts like it.  I had a great many of those times as well.  There were times when I was agoraphobic and catatonic.  I had long period of times like that.  I was pure 100% burrito during those times.

How did I begin to experience immersion in reality.  I read many books by Pema Chodron, an American Buddhist nun.  Buddhists know that we will do anything to avoid reality and that is the root of our suffering.  This is true.  I don't like it but it is true.

It was helpful that Alcoholics Anonymous requires me to make a list of my character defects, including a column that reads "My Part In It".  I completely missed that the first time around and my sponsor had to send me home to write that in.  My denial about being a victim, poor little me and that is was every one's fault but mine, began to open up.  That was an emotional experience that bubbled around in me for weeks.

I like reality now.  I would much rather be here than where I was before.  Even though shitty things happen and I still run into shitty people, I still like reality.

Bye, universe.  Lily blesses me and thus, she blesses you.  XXOO

Recovering from this darn depression.

Hello universe.

This has been hard getting better from this.  I was thinking about the fact that it took over two years for my treatment team to find a place who really knew what they were doing.  The six months I spent at Timberline Knolls in Lemond, IL saved my life.  It started me getting better.  I had been treading water and often almost drowning until then.  I was two years into mental illness and relapse until my shrink sent me to TK. 

Up until then, I went to two IOPs, both of whom said they could treat my suicidality yet that turned out not to be true.  What I got instead was cookie cutter addictions treatment which doesn't have the best outcomes in the best of situations.  (Sorry, addictions folks, but true).

The most curative factor about TK was they believe everything I said.  They believed that people said cruel things to me about my suicide attempts, they believed that most people didn't believe me and said I was lying.  Even though I was in a great deal of denial myself about many things, I felt safe there and didn't want to leave after 6 months.  I did 3 months of PHP there and commuted from Oak Park to do that.

It has been over 4 years since my last attempt and I finally gave up because it is too darn hard to kill ourselves.  We are wired to survive, until our times comes and we die our natural death.  My shrink did the Happy Dance when I told him that I was giving up on suicide.

It has still taken all this time to stop being a burrito on a daily basis, to invite Opposite Girl into my head to kick me out of bed, to take showers and brush my teeth at least every other day instead of never.  It is hard work, most of it not involving therapists or medications.  I have been going to AA and Emotions Anonymous regularly for the past 3 years (AA) and one year (EA).  I love the human beings I have met who have allowed me to become friends with them.  I had to learn how to be a good friend all over again.  I had to learn how to speak to people, learn how to sleep normally, and clean my apartment.  I just woke up from a nap.  I still do that.

I have had to let go of my professions as therapist, professor and trainer.  Too much time has gone by when I have done these things.  Honestly, I haven't worked much at all these last three years and I am grateful to my Teachers Pension and Social Security Retirement for allowing me to lead this quiet frugal and serene life.

I have to chair the EA meeting tonight and since it is the first Tuesday in the 7th month, we will read from the 7th Step.  "Humbly asked him/her to remove our shortcomings."  This step is all about humility for me, which I didn't have most of these years.  I was so egotistical, arrogant and I was positive it was all your fault, and not mine.  While I did not want to become mentally ill, it took a while in this recovery to realize how much choice I still had in the outcomes of my life.  I wasn't too sure how much I liked that being that everything was all your fault, and not mine.  Humility has come slowly and in piecemeal.  I have learned to let go of my resentments.  Not all, but most.

I have also learned that I would rather be happy than right.

Peace out.