Bethany, this is for you.

What to do with us depressives and suicidal folks?  We are hard to be around - I know that.

We have ideas of what would help and comfort us but are often embarrassed to share it with anyone.  Example:  I really wanted company but had a hard time getting people to agree to it.  I wanted my girlfriends to come over and do therapeutic slumber parties, and a couple of times, friends did that for me.  If I could have had it every Friday, I would have liked that much better.

There were a handful of people who knew how serious I was about dying so I made arrangements with each of them to text "911" and they would call or text right away.  A very good friend, Jim Gilbert, would text back and say "I will be over in an hour."  My son, Colin, would come home from wherever he was at, no arguments.  He would then sit in my room and wait for me to fall asleep because it was comforting to know he was there.  On rare occasions, I still ask him to do this and I am 62 to his 26.  My other son, Ben, would call me right away and if he could/would, he would come out or have me come spend the night at his place.  Friends such as Barb Titone and Terri Burns would also come over for the night.  God bless you two!  I still miss both of you so much.

I finally figured out that people couldn't read my mind so I became more willing to tell them what I needed.  Heads up:  most people did not participate in this part of my Getting Better but a few people do and I am grateful for them.

I will tell you that I never wanted to be alone yet there were only a few people I wanted around me.  I had some bad experiences with people and had to learn to sort through them until I found the folks that believed me, loved me and had my back.

If there is a NAMI (Nationally Alliance for the Mentally Ill) around, go and spend time there.  They were very nice, offered structured programming and some great field trips.

I highly recommend Emotions Anonymous, based on AA's 12 Steps and almost everyone in there suffers from depression and prior suicide attempts.  It is solution focused rather than just talking about problems.

Then there is our awesome support group on Facebook, which is You Are Not Alone:  Suicide Attempts Survivors and we welcome all attempt survivors.

We still need you here.

Those are just some of my thoughts and I am sure I will have more. 

Jacque

Just another manic Monday...

Hello, world.  I am sitting in front of my Seasonal Affective Disorder light, trying to make sure I get my Vitamin D.  My good buddy, Greta, is coming over soon and we will go for a small walk.  It sure does help me to get outside.  My mood gets better the moment I set foot outside the door.

Working on some back taxes from years 2011-2013 and they are stirring up lots of bad memories.  I also had a dream last night about my ex-husband and he was with his cute new little wife.  I have no idea whether he is in a relationship or not but I dream about him like this often, and in the dream, he and the cute wife tell me "Go away."  That is what I woke up to.  That and back taxes full of bad memories.

Yet I am grateful.  I will work this out with the IRS.  I will have some good laughs when Greta gets here.  I will watch The Voice tonight.  I am going to have a nice cup of coffee now and watch "Ellen", as she is one of my best natural anti-depressants.

Good mojo to you all.  Time for Ellen.

The holidays.

When I was depressed and suicidal, I hated the holidays.  I used to like holidays, even though they were a great deal of work when you are a mom with kids and another family.  I am still estranged from my family 7 years now and I don't know that it will change.  To this day, they don't believe I made the attempts I did and I stand accused of making it all up to get attention.  They wouldn't go to my doctors or look at my medical records.  For some bizarre reason, they want to continue believing that I was not depressed and I did not attempt suicide many times over a four year period.

Today, I am mucho better.  This last year has been one of getting out of that Black Hole and experiencing a return to myself.  My nature is to be happy, joyous and free, and I am that person now.  I still have my down days when I am a burrito but my internal Opposite Girl kicks my ass out of bed.

The best advice I can share about the Holidays is to have a good think about what would make these holidays meaningful for you.  It could be you choose to ignore them completely yet if you have two adult sons like I do, they still want their Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays.

I think small and special about these events now.  I just cooked a large turkey dinner with all the fixings this week.  This is the first time in 7 years that I have been up to the task.  I enjoyed doing it, the boys helped me with it and they are happy that I am strong enough to pull something like this off.  In the past, we have done carry out Chinese (like the movie "A Christmas Story, though they go to the restaurant), we had a yummy pot pie from Hoosier Mama's in Chicago last year, I have made lasagna, I have done chicken and dumplings - the trick is to plan with what you know your energy level and mood is like now.  Struggling right now?  Ordered a pot pie from Hoosier Mama's.  Whatever.  You know what yummy meals you can carry out in your neighborhood.

Only do things with folks that love you and have your back.  Go see Christmas lights with them, walk in a forest with some snow on the ground, do anything that gets you your 20 minutes of Vitamin D via the sunshine this earth has gifted us with.  A local venue here is doing Christmas caroling on Wednesday nights, and I want to go.  I love to sing Christmas carols.

I do put up a fake tree that has the lights built in.  I cannot get some of them to work yet that is my tree and I decorate it.  I make my own ornaments along with the cool ones I buy at the Dollar Store.

The Dollar Store.  I do all my Xmas shopping there.  I buy my sons about $25 each of cool stuff from there.  I wrap these little things and put them in their stocking.  Then they each get something special from me.  Colin wants to go to a music fest this summer, the tickets are expensive so his brother and I are gifting him $75 each so he can put a down payment of $150 down and know that he is going this summer.  Ben is also getting something special that I will make him and I cannot disclose it now!  When I am done, I will take some photos and post them.

I like holiday music and play that.  It makes me happy just like the lights (that do work) on the Christmas tree with the lights off.  I have a spiritual experience with that and I seek out any spiritual experiences.  I will crochet some scarves and hats for folks at a needle exchange, Chicago Recovery Alliance.  I want these folks (who are my peeps) to be warm this cold winter.

I keep things simple.  I have friends now, which I did not have even a couple of years.  When they ask me to do anything Christmasy, I am all in.  I am a fixed income and have to be cautious with money.  Colin and I live frugally yet we are both pretty darn happy.  What a glorious gift that is.

When I think of more things, I will post them.  A good friend likes the ornaments I make and asked if we could get together and make some.  I am happy to.  I go to Google Images and look at retro Xmas stuff.  I then laminate them, cut them out and string them up on the tree.  They are fucking awesome. And I cannot tell you how truly grateful I am that a friend asks me to spend that time with them. 

The solution is always action.  Inactivity breeds inactivity.  We human beings need other human beings so much.  Especially with the holidays.  If you feel like you don't have folks to be with, go to a Starbucks, a church, a store selling Xmas stuff.  Get out there into the world and just sit and watch.