Happy Saturday. The sun is up, I just woke up at 11 am and am drinking my coffee. Yum.
I am doing my first training on working with suicidal folks this next week, have so many ideas and resources. I have yet to put anything down in terms of PPT or workshop outline. The days of my being able to "shoot from the hip" are long gone, and I swear those 6 sessions of ECT messed up my memory badly. That made just be an excuse for my proscrastination and my deeply held belief that the rules are not meant for me. Maybe for you, but not for me.
I had an interruption with the Xmas holidays and spent many days in bed, sleeping, not showering or brushing my teeth. Finally, I had to leave my apartment to go see my shrink. Dang, I am lucky. I live in Chicago and he is one of those very rare shrinks who not only helps with me with my meds (and is willing to tweak my meds whenever side effects are starting to suck) but the man spent an hour with me doing some mighty fine therapy. I cried some and left smiling and feeling validated. There are many times when I can't tell if I am imagining things (like how people react to my suicidality still) or if I am being too sensitive. He said "Yep, that person is very self-absorbed and is unable to give you what you need so perhaps best to take a break from him." This is my son I am talking about here.
Read a funny book on depression and bipolar disorder called Marbles. It is a graphic novel about a funny yet brilliant writer/artist who said that when she goes into the Black Hole, she becomes a "burrito" on her couch. Blankets are wrapped all over including her head, won't take phone calls, doesn't want to see or talk to folks, screw the showers and brushing teeth, blah blah. She has several cartoons of her being a burrito on her couch. My couch is a loveseat so it is not comfy enough for that but dang, I do a good burrito in my bed in my room.
I think about the behavior therapy stuff about suicidality increasingly. When I am a burrito in my bed, I begin to ruminate and have suicidal thoughts. My ideas of how I might die are very scary at this point. Folks have no idea of how hard it is to kill yourself which is why most folks make at least 15 suicide attempts before they complete suicide. That is often what stops me. I have tried so many times, ended up on a liver transplant list which I didn't have to get because my liver enzymes went back to normal. The liver doctor said "This is a miracle." I didn't feel like it was a miracle. I was pissed that I woke up and was alive, laying in an ICU surrounded by a bunch of healthcare workers who were making me feel like shit because I was a suicide attempter.
Back to the environmental cues of being a burrito in my bed. I have had lots of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and one skill is called Opposite to Emotion Action, aka Opp to Emo Action.
I left Burritoville, showered, went to my great shrink and dang, my mood changed as I walked out of his office. Head held high, smelling lovely because my friend Claire sent me some yummy lotion to motivate me to take showers, sun was out and I have felt like this in the two days since I saw Dr. Beresford (shout out to him and he is in Hinsdale, IL).
Burritoville to Betterville. Burritoville lasted several weeks prompted by the holidays yet I used to stay in Burritoville for months on end. This Burritoville lasted around 4 weeks and wasn't nearly as bad as years past. A good friend told me that when we are making a behavior change, it is normal to revert back to old maladaptive behaviors yet the new behavior change begins to lengthen in its time until Betterville becomes the norm and Burritoville a vague memory. Even then, I am aware that I will be a burrito at times. I have gotten better at using Opp to Emo Action. Even getting out of bed, showering and doing my dishes gets me into Betterville. Sometimes that is the only thing I get done that day yet I am perfectly imperfect.
I also think of what I used to get sober. "Think it. Don't do it." The thoughts will pass. I always (almost always) wake up the next morning and the Burritoville drama has lightened up or even passed. I know this is a proven fact for me.
Will keep you posted about my training titled "Inside the Suicidal Mind". Registration closed early! I want to brag on that yet honestly, these counselors are getting this workshop for free CEUs (Continuing Education Units). I will take the validation anywhere and anytime I can get it.
One of my former students just called me and we are going to do something together. She is a happy and upbeat person. That is another trick in my book is to hang with folks that make me laugh. I can provide support for suicidal folks and I must offset it with people that make me laugh so much that I pee in my pants.
Love to you all. Jacque
