Dang, what are folks to do with us when we are depressed and acutely suicidal? It is hard to be with us, we tend to be non-verbal, don't feel like doing anything or often you all have to drag us out of bed. And I cannot tell you why I stopped showering and brushing my teeth. We used to joke about that in treatment about how bad our hygiene had become.
Showering? I used to do that without a second thought and then it became a monumental task. I am still sitting in my jammies right now. Yet when I began taking showers, I felt I had accomplished something. I had experienced "self-mastery".
Self-mastery is essential for all humans and we are no exception. We may not have guessed that successfully showering would have fallen in our mastery list yet it did. I just put a couple of lightbulbs in some hard-to-reach lights, and thought "Done! Self-mastery!" My old gender issue pop up as I wait around for some male creature to come around and handle all my electric, plumbing and car issues yet that hasn't happened for 5 years.
Soon it will be a year since my last suicide attempt. I still have brief thoughts yet they are fleeting. I don't want to die any longer and I actually want to live so I can enjoy my two sons and friends as long as I can.
Family. Recently, I had been in touch with a mom whose daughter had made a serious attempt and the mom asked if I knew of any resources for family support. I actually don't yet it made me realize that there is another deficit due to the stigma of suicide. She said that since this happen to her daughter, their friends are doing their best to stay away from her. She has experienced a couple of Day Hospitals turning her daughter down because of her high risk. The young woman is stable and has been for over 3 weeks yet they didn't want her.
After speaking with this mom, I reflected on what this must have been like for my 2 sons. Colin is 22 and lives with me and Ben is 28 and lives in Chicago. Early on, Colin was influenced by my younger sister to the point that he didn't want to see me. She would threaten to call the police if I came over to her apartment. Finally, she grew weary of Colin and sent him home. By then, I was in and out of hospitals and ended up in my final one at Timberline Knolls for 6 months. While I somehow continue to pay the bills at the house, he was there partying it up with friends. His "crib" or my home was trashed by the time I was discharged. It was in foreclosure anyway, and I could not stand being there. I would cry non-stop as I still had PTSD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
Yet during the last 3 years, he has been my barometer. He can tell when I am upset, sad, anxious, fear, too quiet or too something. He will ask "Are you OK, Mom?" I almost always say yet nowadays yet I still have nights when I feel very vulnerable and I made him sit on a chair in my bedroom until I fall asleep. It is comforting to know he is there.
He watched me fall apart and then he has watched me put my life back together. It is a different life than what I had before and it is a good life.
My older son, Ben, did not know what to make of all of this and so he stayed away. That was painful to me, I would get pissed, lash out at him and then he wouldn't contact me for weeks. I have some mastery over impulse control of tongue and email and text. The quality of my life is greatly improved because of that.
I am closer to my two sons than I have ever been in my life. I like them very much.
Today is a cold, shitty fall day and it is Chicago.
Jacque
Showering? I used to do that without a second thought and then it became a monumental task. I am still sitting in my jammies right now. Yet when I began taking showers, I felt I had accomplished something. I had experienced "self-mastery".
Self-mastery is essential for all humans and we are no exception. We may not have guessed that successfully showering would have fallen in our mastery list yet it did. I just put a couple of lightbulbs in some hard-to-reach lights, and thought "Done! Self-mastery!" My old gender issue pop up as I wait around for some male creature to come around and handle all my electric, plumbing and car issues yet that hasn't happened for 5 years.
Soon it will be a year since my last suicide attempt. I still have brief thoughts yet they are fleeting. I don't want to die any longer and I actually want to live so I can enjoy my two sons and friends as long as I can.
Family. Recently, I had been in touch with a mom whose daughter had made a serious attempt and the mom asked if I knew of any resources for family support. I actually don't yet it made me realize that there is another deficit due to the stigma of suicide. She said that since this happen to her daughter, their friends are doing their best to stay away from her. She has experienced a couple of Day Hospitals turning her daughter down because of her high risk. The young woman is stable and has been for over 3 weeks yet they didn't want her.
After speaking with this mom, I reflected on what this must have been like for my 2 sons. Colin is 22 and lives with me and Ben is 28 and lives in Chicago. Early on, Colin was influenced by my younger sister to the point that he didn't want to see me. She would threaten to call the police if I came over to her apartment. Finally, she grew weary of Colin and sent him home. By then, I was in and out of hospitals and ended up in my final one at Timberline Knolls for 6 months. While I somehow continue to pay the bills at the house, he was there partying it up with friends. His "crib" or my home was trashed by the time I was discharged. It was in foreclosure anyway, and I could not stand being there. I would cry non-stop as I still had PTSD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
Yet during the last 3 years, he has been my barometer. He can tell when I am upset, sad, anxious, fear, too quiet or too something. He will ask "Are you OK, Mom?" I almost always say yet nowadays yet I still have nights when I feel very vulnerable and I made him sit on a chair in my bedroom until I fall asleep. It is comforting to know he is there.
He watched me fall apart and then he has watched me put my life back together. It is a different life than what I had before and it is a good life.
My older son, Ben, did not know what to make of all of this and so he stayed away. That was painful to me, I would get pissed, lash out at him and then he wouldn't contact me for weeks. I have some mastery over impulse control of tongue and email and text. The quality of my life is greatly improved because of that.
I am closer to my two sons than I have ever been in my life. I like them very much.
Today is a cold, shitty fall day and it is Chicago.
Jacque
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