Yep, I was a burrito all day. I slept most of the day, waking up to read or watch PBS. Caught a second wind around 7 pm but never got out of my jammies all day.
I was not feeling very depressed and in fact, I was not feeling much of anything other than lonely. Although my depression and suicidality has left me single, I get lonely often. I have gotten much better at keeping busy, doing things I like to do and I am able to enjoy the pleasures of being single.
I saw a Facebook video last week and I swear my ex-husband was in it. I thought about him quite a bit even though I know we were toxic together. I miss how close I felt to him. I may even still love parts of him. But the guy he ended up being was not the guy I married. That was scary for me to see him change so abruptly and he would not let me have contact with him for several years after that. Every once in a great while, his carrot would come out as a text reaching out to me. I knew I would never get better from being suicidal until we had no contact. We have had no contact for over 3 years. I am much better as a result of that.
Seeing him on that video made me wonder: Is he remarried? Does he have a girlfriend? I texted him these questions last night and he did not respond. He never does.
This leaves me wondering what, if anything, I want to do about getting myself a boyfriend. The idea of dating scares the shit out of me, I feel like no one would want to be with me and yet all I do is hang around my gay men friends and my women friends so I will surely not meet anyone that way.
Do I want to be part of a couple? I think I do. I think being part of a couple is in my DNA. I have been alone for 8 years now. I began mastering it just about a year ago. It takes time and a great deal of work. I have to reach out in order to make things happen. I get tired of doing that, yet the consequence is being alone even more. I would rather be less alone than more alone. I do everything by myself. Everything.
I am afraid of getting hurt like that again. My divorce broke my heart and my spirit. Most of my suicide attempts were because of the split from my husband. I was in denial for a few years as I kept thinking (dreaming) that we would get back together.
I feel courageous having gone through all this. Being alone has forced me to be braver than I wanted to be. And though I don't have burrito days very often, I am glad when I wake up the next morning knowing that it won't be a burrito day. I used to have burrito day after burrito day for years so this is progress. I don't get worried when I have burrito days now. I could feel this one coming on so I just surrendered to it and hung out with it all day. I didn't tell myself I shouldn't be being a burrito. I just burritoed on all day.
I just never imagined I would end up alone and yet here I am. I used to hate it and now, I am not sure what I think of it.
I was not feeling very depressed and in fact, I was not feeling much of anything other than lonely. Although my depression and suicidality has left me single, I get lonely often. I have gotten much better at keeping busy, doing things I like to do and I am able to enjoy the pleasures of being single.
I saw a Facebook video last week and I swear my ex-husband was in it. I thought about him quite a bit even though I know we were toxic together. I miss how close I felt to him. I may even still love parts of him. But the guy he ended up being was not the guy I married. That was scary for me to see him change so abruptly and he would not let me have contact with him for several years after that. Every once in a great while, his carrot would come out as a text reaching out to me. I knew I would never get better from being suicidal until we had no contact. We have had no contact for over 3 years. I am much better as a result of that.
Seeing him on that video made me wonder: Is he remarried? Does he have a girlfriend? I texted him these questions last night and he did not respond. He never does.
This leaves me wondering what, if anything, I want to do about getting myself a boyfriend. The idea of dating scares the shit out of me, I feel like no one would want to be with me and yet all I do is hang around my gay men friends and my women friends so I will surely not meet anyone that way.
Do I want to be part of a couple? I think I do. I think being part of a couple is in my DNA. I have been alone for 8 years now. I began mastering it just about a year ago. It takes time and a great deal of work. I have to reach out in order to make things happen. I get tired of doing that, yet the consequence is being alone even more. I would rather be less alone than more alone. I do everything by myself. Everything.
I am afraid of getting hurt like that again. My divorce broke my heart and my spirit. Most of my suicide attempts were because of the split from my husband. I was in denial for a few years as I kept thinking (dreaming) that we would get back together.
I feel courageous having gone through all this. Being alone has forced me to be braver than I wanted to be. And though I don't have burrito days very often, I am glad when I wake up the next morning knowing that it won't be a burrito day. I used to have burrito day after burrito day for years so this is progress. I don't get worried when I have burrito days now. I could feel this one coming on so I just surrendered to it and hung out with it all day. I didn't tell myself I shouldn't be being a burrito. I just burritoed on all day.
I just never imagined I would end up alone and yet here I am. I used to hate it and now, I am not sure what I think of it.
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